Grounding into Gratitude and the Great Unknown

Until last week, I’d been putting off writing thank-you notes for my son’s first birthday…that was October 6th.  To be honest, I’ve never been super timely with thank you’s (it was only 4 months after the wedding when we finally opened the box of blank notecards that had been staring us down all summer).  But there’s something symbolic about the thank-you notes: a tangible “it’s over” timeline, stamped with a date and sent away, that signifies the ever-running passage of time.

Looking back, it was honestly the best day filled with family & friends, Oktoberfest pretzels & baby beer steins and semi-mandatory lederhosen and dirndls.  In spite of all the celebrations, I felt tugged by this odd feeling of grief: perhaps it was me going back to work full-time after a year of intermittent leave (thank you, NY state!) – perhaps it was knowing this special day would soon be over, and in a greater sense, realizing that the first year of my son’s life was over.  

While I know there’s so much more ahead, it’s hard not to gravitate towards this sense of impending nostalgia – to look back and think “those were the days!” when in fact, challenges were always present too: his first time nursing in the NICU, spread over a blanket atop my fresh C-section wound, or his first time rolling over, just after we returned home from a 2-hour tow truck ride when our car broke down in Syracuse. Somehow, it’s easy to superimpose a glossy finish over the past because it feels safer than the future: the Great Unknown!

But the truth is: every day IS the most joyful day.  And every day has a sorrowful moment (or two or 10), a tantrum (for him or me), a giggle fest (for all of us), and an undeniable feeling of belonging and purpose.  A question of: “will it always be this good?” is a thought that enters my brain regularly.

While I can’t guarantee the future, I do know one thing: I will never, ever stop being ME. And as much as she evolves, transforms, expands and contracts, I know that I will always get to be her. As humans, we get to hold infinite creative possibilities and limitless emotional capacity. We can feel joy AND grief at the same time — fear and excitement — love and sorrow. And that’s why life is so literally awe-some because every moment we get to choose our perspective, reminding ourselves that while emotions are fleeting, our soul’s connection to the divine (and to each other) is INFINITE.

And on that note: PROST! Here’s to celebrating our loved ones, milestones, trials and tribulations, with our whole hearts…(and maybe a few hundred photos, too!)